I keep searching for that "thing" that will somehow make me feel better, but as of now, it is ever so evasive and I know a "thing" is not what will help me get through this. It is in time that the hurt will be less but won't ever be gone.
I am not the same without my Dad. Yes he was sick but he was still my dad and had his times of lucidity and I will cherish those forever. This is when I want to ask him to help me not hurt so much and give a sign that he is still there.
As I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face, I wish that I had one more day with my father ... but I wish that everyday ... I wish I would have gotten that beer he asked me to get him at 10am on Thursday, March 13th. I would have sat down and drank it with him. That was the last time my I saw my father when he was able to verbally communicate.
I will take with me that he squeezed my hand on the day he passed and how loved the beer on the sponge when went to my moms to get a beer so that I could somehow give him that beer that he had wanted. My most cherished memory of that evening was that he had a tear streaming down his face when I told him it was ok for him to go and that he had taken such good care if all of us and it was time for him to be at peace. I KNOW he heard me. I was happy I was there when he passed ... But I still miss him so much.
My one piece of advice. Make sure you embrace and cherish the time you have together with your parents. Yes, things aren't always perfect but there are and will be wonderful memories to be made and shared. Life really is a gift.
I'll be back next week with some, hopefully, great training story and hopefully fun cabin adventures (It has been relaxing so far and nice to have that quiet and peaceful time) ... But for now, this is what I have.
Enjoy your week and be kind to one another :-)
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