Something As Simple As A Jacket ...

Well, the first anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching soon.  I always remember my Dad, being so sad and upset and sort of lost on the anniversary of his mom's death. I never fully understood until now, because that same feeling has come over me. 

My grandmother died on Valentine's Day when I was in 3rd grade. I remember this because it was her favorite holiday. I remember this because my brother Michael and I were on a ski trip that day and came home to hear the news and how sad my brother and I were to hear this news. 

With this date coming up in just a little under 4 weeks, I now COMPLETELY understand how sad he was. She was his everything, and he was my everything.  How that will ever get better, I have no clue. I'm sure with time it will ... Please tell me it will. 

This past weekend, I was telling my friend Jacque how much I missed him and shared some stories about him.  Right now, sharing them makes me miss him more. I just REALLY wish he were still here ... I know he is here in spirit, but selfishly, I would love to still be able to give him another hug, get one last kiss and hear those words, "I love you tooooooo" ... Yes, it was a long too ;-). 

There were many sad, frustrating and upsetting things that have happened this past year but SO MANY INCREDIBLY wonderful things that have happened too that I REALLY wish I could share with him. He would always smile and listen even towards the end I don't know if he really understood, but there was that unconditional love and support that I felt that made me believe that he did. 

I MISS that. I am lucky to have a pretty incredible family and some pretty amazing friends but there is nothing like the support of your father to keep one going. 

It's so funny (and not ha ha funny) how all of these feelings stirred. B brought my Dad's leather jacket out of the front hall closet and asked how it could be cleaned as he was wanting to wear it. When I saw it, I immediately cried. Not because I didn't want him to wear it (I am really happy that he has it and wants to wear it), but because I was with my father when he bought the jacket (and those memories flooded back of the healthy man he was).  We spent so much time together when I was an adult and this was just one of those times that we were out shopping. He had looked at the jacket before and had taken me back to see what I had thought about it. He was so excited to buy this jacket. One of the best purchases he ever made.  He looked so handsome in it and wore it at EVERY opportunity that he could for the rest of his life ... It was an Al (Daddy's name) staple. 

It may sound like a silly story, but it is one that I will cherish and will remember every time B wears it. 

Big sigh .... I will get through this and will continue to live life to the fullest, embracing the opportunities that life gives along the way :-). 

I'll be back next week with hopefully some fun fitness and life adventures, but this is where my head is at right now. A lot of tears but a lot of smiles too, remembering the Daddy that I miss so much.